Joke of the day.

[shaggy]

New Shop

Two young businessmen were sitting down
for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,
"What are you selling' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two
left."

 

[shaggy]

What Confucius didn't say

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

[shaggy]

Men are just happier people

Enjoy Fella's

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.


EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.




BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.




ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.




FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.




SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.




DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.




NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.




OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[shaggy]

Fireman's Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.


'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled

'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

[BravoBrad]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes..
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.

 

[shaggy]

Jenny Craig for men

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there before him stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later after huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day, there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


Much to his delight, on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day, there's a knock at the door and, when he opens it, he finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[shaggy]

Old Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks: 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies: 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says: "You're knot hard, you're knot in...and you're knot getting your money back.'

 

[shaggy]

Dont piss off old people

Enjoy

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

 

[shaggy]

Testicle Therapy

Enjoy

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

[shaggy]

The Aussie Version of Creation

The Aussie Version of Creation



In the beginning God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....

And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Second Day, God created water....
for surfing, swimming,
and BBQ's on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.


On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring
forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer

and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..


On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans,chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke
to make use of all these wondrous creations -
go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's,
and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke
was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy,
surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates,
and God saw that they were good Blokes,
and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the
twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans
and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and
sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired
to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house,
to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie,
and then God saw that it was not just good.....

...........It was better than that...............................................
...............it was BLOODY AWESOME...!!!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA.....!!!!!

 

[terryc]

From usenet:alt.survival

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar near a bait shop,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

[terryc]

Arrived in my inbox...
....................................................................................................


*When girls don't put out!!**
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.**
**
**Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!*

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
*
**
Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree,
forward it anyway.

Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!*

...............................................................................................

 

[terryc]

I don't know whether ths belonga here or another thread, but...

*The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.*
*
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
...
'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not
perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than
you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything
else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to
the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit,
We're screwed again!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, “Collingwood half way through 4th quarter of Grand
Final, 2011..”*

 

[Joshp82]

hahaha thats gold

 

[shaggy]

Cold Hands

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold and
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend and he said "My
hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his
hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my
legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his
nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her Mother,
and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly
concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they
defrost, don't they?"

 

[KraftyPg]

Haha!!!!...

 

[d22dave]

It must lose something in the translation, i laughed but the wife didn,t,

 

[KraftyPg]

Haha my missus laughed you must have used the wrong translation

 

[Dave]

I should change the name of this thread to Shane's jokes.

90% are his. Haha.

 

[shaggy]

I should change the name of this thread to Shane's jokes.

90% are his. Haha.

Hi Dave

Thanks for that but just leave it as the "Joke of the day"

Shane