Joke of the day.

[shaggy]

Council Job

Enjoy


Man goes for a job interview with the local council
During the course of the interview the employer asks him "Do you have any disabilities/medical problems?"

"Well yes actually" replies the man "I used to be in the military and had a serious accident when a hand grenade blew off my testicles, and I am also extremely allergic to caffeine"

The interviewer scratches his head and consults with his colleague, and a few minutes later at the end of the interview they offer the man the job.

"Ok well we are pleased to be able to offer you a part time position if you are interested. The hours of work are from 8am until 3, but you can start at 10"

The prospective employee asks "ok so is there any reason why i can't do the full shift?"

"Yes" replied the interviewer "This is a council job, and for the first 2 hours of the day we stand around scratching our nuts and drinking coffee, so there is no point you being here....."

 

[shaggy]

The Benefits of Cathlic Education

Little Johnny, was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything they could think of to help his mathematics.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word. In no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. With great trepidation, his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, he had scored an "A" in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the teacher?" Little Johnny looked at her and shook his head, "No" "Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Johnny looked at her and said, “Well, the first thing I saw when I turned up for class was a guy nailed to a Plus Sign, so I knew they weren't ******* around."

 

[shaggy]

1957 vs 2012

Enjoy

This is so true




In the bad old days if you got caned, strapped, rulered or whatever, for breaking the school rules then it was forgotten about. You just understood that there were rules and if you were daft enough to get caught then you asked for it. You were responsible for your actions. These days everybody has rights but no responsibilities. We need to relearn the lessons of history in more ways than one.

SCHOOL 1957 vs. 2012

Scenario: 1.
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up friends.

2012 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario: 2.
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head Master. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin, Becomes a zombie, Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario : 3.
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario: 4.
Mark has a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from his teacher to take aspirin with.

2012 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. His house is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: 5.
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Bonfire Night, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ants nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2012 - Police Force, & Anti-terrorism Squad called, Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: 6.
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

[Old.Tony]

That doesn't belong in Jokes, it's too damn near true. I should move it to "Rants"!

 

[shaggy]

That doesn't belong in Jokes, it's too damn near true. I should move it to "Rants"!

Hi Tony or Dave

If you want to move it to rants go right ahead

Shane

 

[Nevyn]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

Then I would say, “It is dog ****. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Gillard approach of giving you something ****** for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

 

[Dave]

^ Love it Brad. Funny **** (Pun intended).

Oh and Shane, you own this tread pretty much. Keep em coming mate.

 

[shaggy]

Wrong Email Address

Scottish couple decided
to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They
planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20
years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down
the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a
computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile,
somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart
attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends After reading the first message,
she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from
me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to
your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked
in. I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Flaming hot down here

 

[Dave]

Love it. Good as always.

 

[bullwinkle]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mum's!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

F*ck knows what she was on about!!

 

[d22dave]

nice^ ,,,

 

[Dave]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mum's!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

F*ck knows what she was on about!!

Love it.

 

[Scottar]

local Police

Good to see this has finally happened

 

[shaggy]

Hunting Accident

one for all us shooters



A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your old fella which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

 

[shaggy]

New Shoes

Enjoy Fellas

Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
Holds a dance in the church basement.

Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear
His new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and � as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,

But how do you know?'

Luiggi answers,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers,

'Yes, Luiggi , I do,

But how do you know that?'

He replies,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. .
How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face
Turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luiggi gasps,

'Thanka God ...

I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes................... ...!

 

[shaggy]

Crocodiles in Lake Burley Griffin

One For Dave as he hates pollies so much



Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
as kids... I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm... how do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the
**** out of them, and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's
nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

 

[shaggy]

Prime Minister Gillard JOKE?

Another one for Dave


The Prime Minister of Australia Julia Gillard walks into a Perth bank and asks to cash a cheque for $2000..

Teller: "No problem madam. Could you please show me your ID."?

Gillard: "Well, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. After all, I am the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard"

Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID."

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am."

Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard : "Is there some other way around this?"

Teller: "Look, here's what we can do: a while ago now, Greg Norman walked into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and a golf ball and trickled it ten metres across the floor into a cup. Then we were sure he was Greg Norman and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Pat Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball fifteen metres - right into my coffee mug. After that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.

So, what can you do to prove to me that you are really the Prime Minister of Australia?"

Gillard stands, deep in thought for what seems like minutes then finally says: "My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing"

Teller: "Would fifties be OK, Prime Minister?"

 

[shaggy]

The Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone

in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong

to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which

a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed

and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party

who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God

and this Christian family."


No one moved.


The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face

me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be

forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand

and confess your transgression."


Again, all was quiet.


Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous beauty with a body that
would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,


"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."


The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared

 

[shaggy]

My ATO Tax Return

This is so true

I was trying to get the jump on doing my taxes this year, but the ATO

sent my return back.
I guess it was because of my response to the line " list all
dependants"
I replied 15 thousand illegal immigrants, ¼ million junkies, 2 million
unemployable on the dole, ½ million in over 24 prisons throughout
Australia, and over 200 fools in Parliament House and the Senate.

Apparently this was not acceptable. So I sent it back with a
question - did I forget someone?

 

[Dave]

Lol. Awesome jokes as always mate.