Joke of the day.

[terryc]

Okay, since the "of the day" bt is lagging a big, I'll post a few make up the numbers from the old farts list I seem to be on.

Not sure that this one isn't a repeat, but any way;
...............................................................................................

/Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.


The vicar fainted
/

 

[terryc]

*/The body builder takes off his shirt
and the blonde says,"What a Great chest you have!'
/**
*
*/
He tells her,That's 100 lbs.. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'"What massive calves you have!'
/**
*
*/The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and
the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her..
He catches up to her and asks why
she ran out of the apartment like that.
/**/
The blonde replies,I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how
short the fuse was!'
/**/

 

[terryc]

*Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe,
near Transylvania. They drive in a rental car along a rather*
*deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see*
*the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids*
*out of control. Bob attempts to control it,*
*but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree..


*Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks*
*over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her*
*head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside,*
*Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her*
*up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while,*
*he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming*
*from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A small, hunched man opens the door.*
*Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.*
*We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been*
*seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"*


*"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.*
*My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.*


*An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may*
*have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have*
*had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do.*
*Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."*


*With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,*
*with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in*
*the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,*
*so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

*
*After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.*
*"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." *
*Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.* *Bob and Betty Hill are
no more.*


*The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory,*
*which houses his grand piano. It is here that he*
*has always found solace and he begins to play.*
*A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
**
**
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.*
*His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers*
*on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting*
*piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins*
*to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as
Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
**
**
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs*
*to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

*
*
**
"Master, Master!*
*The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"*

 

[terryc]

Texting For Oldies

Young people have theirs....... now Seniors have our own texting
codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

*BFF - Best Friends Funeral

*BTW -Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT -Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM -Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC -See You at the Senior Center

* DWI -Driving While Incontinent

* FWBB -Friend with Beta Blockers

* FWIW -Forgot Where I Was

* FYI -Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL -Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBMT -Had Good Bowel Movement Today

* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO -Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL -Living on Laxatives

* LWO -Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR -On My Massage Recliner

* OMSG -Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* ROFL...CGU -Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT -Texting on Toilet

* TTYL -Talk to You Louder

* WAITT -Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA -Wet the Furniture Again

* WTP -Where're the Prunes

* WWNO -Walker Wheels Need Oil


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

...................................................................
Off usenet:aus.cars

 

[shaggy]

Enjoy Fella's

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels..

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"



The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but.... I've always wanted to."

 

[shaggy]

Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[Scottar]

When you have an

'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase
a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite
chair. Open the package and
remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken


Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small
print there is this statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested

and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times,' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

 

[Scottar]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.



As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.



A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.



Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.



Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!



If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can arrange to return it.

 

[shaggy]

Let it snow

Enjoy

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.Upon arriving,she meets a black man,and after a night of passion love making she asks him 'What is your name ?'.I can't tell you,' the blackman say's.
Every night they meet and every night she ask's him is name and he always respond's the same,he can't tell her.
On her last night there she ask's again 'Can you please tell me your name?'
' I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me'. say's the black man'There is no reason for me to laugh at you' the lady says
'Fine my name is Snow!' the blackman replies.And the the lady bursts into laughter, and the blackman gets mad and says "I knew you would make fun of it'.
The lady replies, 'I'm not making fun of your name.I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica'

 

[shaggy]

Daughter in Law

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son"

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:

"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy,

not a fucking photo copier

 

[shaggy]

Just Fred

Enjoy


A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'

‘I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.’

After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.’

‘Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.’

‘Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.’

‘Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am “Just Fred.”'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[shaggy]

Mans Best Friend

Enjoy


Usually everbody who has a dog call's him Rover or some such name,one day I called mine 'Sex'.Well Sex is very embarrassing name.One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me and I spent hours looking for him that day.A policeman came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4am in the morning,I said I was looking for Sex - my case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to Town Hall to get a dog licence for Sex.The clerk asked me what I wanted,I told him I wanted a lice3nce for Sex and he said he would like to have one too.When I said it was for a dog,he said he didn't care what she looked like,then I said you don't understand,I've had Sex since I was 2 year's old and he replied you must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married,I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding,he told me to wait until after the ceremony.I said but Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole life revolves around Sex.He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy have Sex there.The next day we were married by a Justice of the Peace.My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on our honeymoon.When I checked into the motel I told the clerk taht I wanted a room for my wife and I and I wanted a special room for Sex.The clerk replied that every room is for sex,then I said you don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night and the clerk said me too.

When my wife and I separated we went to court for custody for the dog.I said Your Honor I had Sex before I was married and the Judge said me too.When I told him hat after I was married Sex left me he said me too.

Well now I've been throw in jail,married,divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist she asked me what seemed to be the trouble.I replied well Sex has died and left my life and it's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely.The doctor looked at me and said Mister you and I both know tha Sex isn't mans best friend,so get yourself a dog

 

[shaggy]

Favorite animal

My Favorite Animal





Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders.." Guess where I am now...

 

[shaggy]

Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks
the first girl, ' Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male
organ?

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever
had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay,
dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St.Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.'

 

[terryc]

Word Fun

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's
no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro — what a rip off!

 

[terryc]

Â
*_Price of gas in France_**
**
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.**
**
**
**
After careful planning, he got** **past security, stole the paintings, and made
it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van
ran out of gas.*


*When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious
error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
**
*

*I had no Monet**
**
**
To buy Degas**
**
**
To make the Van Gogh.**
**
**
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
**
**
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing** **Toulouse. *

 

[terryc]

Widdle Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the
sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter,
where do you keep the widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts,
he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you
want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe
one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn,
blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward
and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

[terryc]

Da end is near

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Iirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."

From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"








Da end is near



Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.



One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."

From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.



Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."



"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"

 

[justAL]

"I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.
That lying bitch isn't, 'Fun to be around.' "

 

[d22dave]

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son"

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:

"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy,

not a fucking photo copier

gold