Joke of the day.

[shaggy]

Wife in Lingerie!!!

Enjoy

Guys, you'll never believe it, but the other day I came home from work opened the door, and was met by my faithfull dog, Jack.

I said, ' where's mum, mate ? " to which I heard,

" I'm in the bedroom, Darl"

So, In I go, only to discover that the Wife is reclined on the bed, dressed in a stunning Black Lace Bustier with Suspenders, SHEER, AND I MEAN SHEER, black g-string, with Lace top Stockings with the seam up the back, and a pair of Peep Toe Black Patent Pumps with 6" stilletto heels.

Then she offers me a pair of hand cuffs and says, " Tie me up and do what ever you want ! "




So I tied her to the bed head and went fishing !!!!!!!!

 

[shaggy]

Julia Goes To Hell

Another one for Dave's favourite polly


Gillard, Obama and Queen Elizabeth are flying in a jumbo jet, which develops problems, and consequently plunges into the Atlantic with the loss of all on board.

They descend to Hell, where they are met by the Devil, who informs them that before they are assigned to their respective Hell duties, they are each entitled to one phone call, but they have to pay for it.

Obama says, "I need to speak to Congress about some important bills coming up." "Fine", says the Devil, the phone is over there. Obama spends around 10 minutes chatting on the phone, hangs up, and returns to the group. "That'll be 10 million dollars", says the Devil. Obama writes him a cheque.

The Queen says, "I need to speak to Phil about my funeral." "Go for it", the Devil replies. The Queen spends around 20 minutes on the phone. "That'll be 25 million dollars", says the Devil. She hands over some of the crown jewels, which she happens to have with her.

Gillard says, "I need to speak to Wayne Swann about the upcoming budget." "Feel free", says the Devil. Julia spends around 2 hours on the phone, then returns. "That'll be 50 cents", says the Devil. Julia hands over the money out of his pocket.

"Hang on", Obama says. "How come HER phone bill is so cheap?"

The Devil replies, "Gillard's already dragged Australia into the pits of Hell, so it's a local call."

 

[shaggy]

Horse called Jenny

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied ,
'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in
your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week ,
Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on
with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife
bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him
unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit
again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[shaggy]

Camping Trip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

 

[Dave]

Love them Shane.

Keep em coming.

 

[terryc]

I'll be waiting on the front porch

Another one from the old farts list.
.....................

God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten? And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to
perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty? And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years. But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? Okay," said God, "You asked for it.

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

 

[bullwinkle]

Pinched this one from Exploroz:

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find my brothers lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[shaggy]

Canoe Trip

Enjoy

To: 1 September 2012 - Canoe Trip

We are planning a trip starting October 17, 2012 to the home of one of the earliest Indian settlements

The flight, excursion etc., will consist of a bus trip to the Cherokee Nation and a guided tour along the river which runs through it.

Cost of the trip is £1,850.00 PER PERSON which includes all food.

If you'd like to go too, book early, as I anticipate space will be extremely limited.

We'll do some sightseeing, wildlife photography and that sort of thing.

The highlight of the trip will be the river tour with white water rapids.

What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a full-blooded Cherokee; born and raised in the area, extremely knowledgeable of the territory
and any obstacles we may encounter on our journey.

Below is a photo of our guide and the river we will be running.

If you are interested, let me know as soon as possible.

This trip is often sold out a year in advance................S ee below for Full details !OUR GUIDE



Her Name is UCAN TUCHUM

Don't forget.....let me know if you would like a spot on the trip

Regards,

Chief Beaver Hunter

 

[rabbit-chop]

Bloke takes wife to doctor.

Doctor comes out after examining her, says "mate we cant figure out whether she's got ghonorea or alzheimer's"

Lets this sink in for a second.

Doc; "Alright, i'll tell you what we'll do. Drop her off in the woods about 4km from home. If she makes it back, dont f'uck her"

 

[terryc]

This one is from the The Boss's mates in FNQ.
..................................................................

What is the difference between Bird Flu and swine Flu?






For bird flue you need tweetment, but for Swine flu you need oinkment.

 

[shaggy]

A Little Boy's View of Politic's

One for Dave



Whether libral or labor I think you'll get a kick out of this!


A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The President
Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep..


Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit..

 

[shaggy]

Drink of water anyone?

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.


Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.


"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.


"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"

 

[bullwinkle]

Nearly choked on my glass of red over the politics joke!