Joke of the day.

[shaggy]

Freedy at school

A teacher at West Sydney High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
Fred who was sitting at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering..
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at pup, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[shaggy]

Little Johnny

LIL JOHNNY IS AT IT AGAIN!!!!
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467 dollars" he said. "$2,467 dollars!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!" Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government approach of giving you something ****** for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

 

[shaggy]

Man walks into a chemist and asks "where's ya tampons mate"? The assistant replies "just down the aisle." The man returns with cotton wool balls, dental floss and toilet paper. "I thought you wanted tampons?" the assistant asks. "Yeah well, last week I asked my wife to buy me a packet of smokes and she came back with a pouch of tobacco and tally-ho papers - so lets see how she likes rolling her own!!"

 

[shaggy]

The lollies with hole's in them

This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:



Red....................C herry
Yellow................Le mon
Green..................L ime
Orange ..............Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.





None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue.


It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'





One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled;





'Oh my God! They're arseholes!

 

[04SilverSTR]

VERN'S FUNERAL NOTICE

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Vern. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Vern.. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'




VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

 

[shaggy]

Onion's and Christmas Tree's

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of ****s are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
****s:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50,
they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

 

[shaggy]

Cheap Flights

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and I got the most amazing ******** ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!

 

[shaggy]

Please fill in attached file

Have we all been good this year?

 

[KraftyPg]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and I got the most amazing ******** ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!

Or

she said "oh darling you are so sweet, should I pack for warm weather or cool"?

and I said "I don't care just be gone by breakfast time!"

 

[shaggy]

When girls dont put out

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and
women differ so much. And I never have figured out the
whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why
men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words
that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to
spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery
department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought
I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her
for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey,
I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with
a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a
man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for
the things I buy you?"
>Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[shaggy]

Aussie Joke

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

 

[Dave]

^ Love it.

Keep em coming.

 

[shaggy]

Tv remote

Tv remote
enjoy

 

[shaggy]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

 

[shaggy]

Birthday Quote

To those who appreciate Willie Nelson.
Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the
words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet
so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher
Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday
below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity
could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning
point in his life.

"I have outlived my pecker."

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

 

[shaggy]

Michael and Gary get married

Michael and Gary got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom
and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and
Gary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go
back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Michael and
Gary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'



He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I
think....I gave him my airplane glue.'

 

[shaggy]

Merry Christmas

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course -- She said, “don’t forget your sweater.”

 

[shaggy]

Sex tax

Enjoy Fella's

AUSTRALIA WAS IN A TERRIBLE STATE





The Country was in a terrible state,

As the Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.

It was quite a few minutes before Gillard spoke,

Then she said, ‘Sex will cost you two bucks a poke,

Whether your short, skinny or thick.

A tax will be paid on the use of your prick’.



Penny Wong rose and said ‘Julia look here,

Will this tax apply to those who are queer?’

Greenie Bob Brown looked rather glum,

‘May I be exempt, I only like bum.’

Julia replied and sounded quite airy

‘You’ll pay double you dirty old fairy’



Up rose Tony Abbott, to tremendous applause

Grabbed Julie Bishop and ripped off her drawers

He straddled across her and ****** her at will

Then shouted to Gillard, ‘Put that on the Bill’!



Wayne Swan shouted, ‘I think I’ll resign,

I haven’t had sex for a very long time.

I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,

But two bucks a go .. that’s too ******* much.’



The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,

Till Turnbull banged on the Bar with his dong,

‘With a tax on a poke in the front and the back

All we can do is have a good whack.’

I disagree said Joyce with a leer,

And stuck his big prick into Bob Katter’s ear.



The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went

Rudd took his out and found it was bent.

‘Look here’, he cried as it swung in the air,

‘For those who are bent a discount is fair.’

So all checked their dicks, the Speaker was last,

And in the excitement, the damn Bill was passed.



So now in the beds of Australia at night,

There’s many a fanny that’s closed up real tight.

They’re taxing our booze and taxing our smokes

And now the *******s are taxing our pokes.



If two bucks a head is the price we must pay

It now with ourselves we find we must play

To quench our frustrations we must have a ****

And for the state of our Country – we’ve Gillard to thank!

 

[d22dave]

fu$k me that was brilliant

 

[shaggy]

The Irish Priest

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens
he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he
went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in
the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? '

All the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them? '

Half the women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests
and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.