Joke of the day.

[shaggy]

Evening Classes For Men

Enjoy Fella's

Enjoy Fella's

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY


ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

 

[D21 dualcab Z24 4X4]

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

What..............................No...................................mmmm...........................no dont understand !!


NOW WHERES THAT FRIGGIN REMOTE

 

[FatBoy89]

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" the other replies, "GREAT trade!"

 

[terryc]

(Another) One for the girls.

You Tell' em Girl...

1 He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

2 He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and fart

3 He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

4 He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him ... . They don't have time.

5 He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

6 He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

7 He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said to him. . .. A widow.



8 He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .. .. .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed…. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.





SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

 

[shaggy]

Man's Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[shaggy]

A Male Fairytail

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “NO!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Bundy and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuckin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

 

[bullwinkle]

Sometimes I wish I was a Prince.....

 

[bods]

Subject: Beware - For O/45 Men

Now we see why everyone is breaking their neck to get to Bunnings

Warning: Scam Against Older Men ! A lot of men would have been caught.

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10 or any Home Hardware. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your vehicle as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for $20 and a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you half-naked , while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also, July 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99c at the two dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from all the Hardware Stores. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

[shaggy]

Little Johnny Strikes Again

Little Johnny got a job in a supermarket and was told to watch the other employees and see how they sell things.

A lady walks in and asks for carpet cleaner. The bloke goes to isle 7 and comes back with carpet cleaner and a bottle of Windex.

She said "what's the Windex for?"

He said "well maam, you're cleaning the carpets anyway and the Windex is on special this week. Spray it on before you clean the carpets and by the time you're finished with the carpets, all you'll have to do is wipe the Windex off."

"Oh thankyou so much!" she replied "that's a great idea!" ....and off she went.

Johnny took note of all this and thought "this is a peice of cake!"

Shorlty after another lady walks in and Johnny jumps up to help her.... "can I help you maam?"

She says "I need a packet of tampons please".

So Johnny walks over to isles 4 and 7 and comes back with a packet of tampons and a bottle of Windex.

She's surprised and asks "what's the Windex for?"

He replied "well you're not getting laid this week, may as well clean the windows!!"

 

[KraftyPg]

The guy tells me he works at night time but at 9:15pm tonight Dave's working obviously consists of text message jokes so I'll pass it on and give him the kudos.

---------------

Dave's girlfriend brought him a new watch for his birthday

"Do you like it?" she asked him.

"It's great," Dave replies, "it will always remind me of your glory box".

She laughed, "Is that because it's exclusive and sexy?"

To which Dave replies, "Nah it's loose around my wrist."

-----------------

Atleast I hope that was a joke and wasn't just Dave telling me what he got for his birthday.

 

[bullwinkle]

An Aussie moves to the States and goes to a big department store looking
for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Aussie says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".

Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but
let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for
toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream
etc. You get the idea?"

"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but
he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales
did you make today?

The Aussie says, "One"

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30
sales per day. How much was the sale for?"

The Aussie says, "$101, 237.64 ."

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The Aussie replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down
to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero Sports."

The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a boat and truck?!"

The Aussie says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for
his wife and I say since your weekend's already screwed up you might as
well go fishing."

 

[shaggy]

Finals of National poetry had arrived. 2 contestants were left, one from Harvard University, one a redneck from Dimville, Texas.

Rules stated that each was to compose a 4-line poem in one minute or less - the catch? The poem had to use the word "Timbuktu"

Harvard Man went first. 30 seconds after the clock started he got up and recited his poem.

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.

The audience went Crazy. How, they wondered could the redneck could top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went...
Met three sluts in a pop-up tent...
They was three, we was two...
So I bucked one and Timbuktu...

 

[terryc]

Amaziing human body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[terryc]

An Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
/*
*/He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!/*

 

[bullwinkle]

Good one Terry. And for anyone that doesn't know, sheep really are that stupid.

 

[FatBoy89]

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

 

[shaggy]

In Laws

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

 

[shaggy]

Old Fella's Sex

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Bill asked Mabel out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Mable soon joined Bill for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Bill was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Mabel was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

 

[shaggy]

Stockman's Wedding Night

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a Room.



He said, “We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong Bed..."



The clerk winked, “You want the 'Bridal?”



The stockman reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not.

I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

 

[shaggy]

Are my testicles black?"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose.

A young student nurse appears to give
him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again,
"Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure
and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood
in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"