Joke of the day.

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The Power of Hypnosis

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?"
The husband asks, ''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."


His funeral service will be held on Friday
 
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday night stinking drunk,as he often did,and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange Man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered"This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.
Brian was stunned."You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be,I have so much to live for,I haven't said goodbye to my family...you're got tosend me back straight away"
St Peter replied " Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen".Brian was devastated,but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strooled over and said"So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying the first day here?"
"It's not so bad"replies Brian,"butI have this strange feeling inside like I'm going to explode"
"You're ovulating"explained the rooters,"don't tell me you're never laid an egg before".
"Never"relies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfotable seconds later an egg pop's out from under his tail.An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his thrid egg he felt and enormous smack to the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian wake up you drunken bastard,you shitting in the bed
 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney's Eastern Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem ..
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back . Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done ... She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man .
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses) ..

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it.
The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted . Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror .

There are teachers . . . And then there are educators
 
My wife told me she wanted something new and shiny that went from "0" to "200" in three seconds....

So I bought her a scale.
 
My wife came to me yesterday and said "Give 9 inches and make me bleed"
So I f%#*Ed her 3 times and punched her in the nose.
 
This is a CRACKER!


Subject: What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:

1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your
gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site The End!!!!
8-Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger
 
Your neighbouring passenger may not still be sitting there when you turn around :big_smile:

I heard a really bad joke yesterday, was one of those ones where there names change but the ridiculous punch line never does and the joke teller nearly cries when you don't react too it in the way they want you too.
 
He definitely wasn't in his 70's, I'd say he was late 30's early 40's maybe. I definitely will be trying not to hurt his feelings from now on.
 
This is a CRACKER!


Subject: What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:

1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your
gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site The End!!!!
8-Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger

Now while this brought guffaws from both myself and my wife, I wonder what the penalty is for a bomb hoax on an aircraft mid-flight....
 
Yeah but after we all get to hear that someone was stupid enough to do it we all get to laugh, it's the kind of joke that keeps on giving.
 
Picked this one up from aus.cars recently

Saw a toyota driver drowning in the Parramatta river today, so I contacted emergency services.



Two hours later and they still haven't turned up.



I suppose I should not have bothered and saved my self the cost of the stamp.
 
Another once from usenet:aus.cars

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


Hehehe...
i would have done something else personnally, but this is a family forum and i may get deleted
 
Now while this brought guffaws from both myself and my wife, I wonder what the penalty is for a bomb hoax on an aircraft mid-flight....


well your not threatening the the whole aircraft just the anoying git beside you and what can they do to a passenger just reading his/her emails?? thats my story and I'm sticking to it, sir air marshall man.
 
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
 

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