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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
 
Labors new Australian Navy!

Details have been released regarding the RAN'S next generation of fighting ships, including new destroyers. The Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the new destroyer type. They have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt, and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial realations tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Government directives on race, gender, sexuality, religion and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 25hrs per week in line with MUA's (Maritime Union of Australia's Health& Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay & Lesbian Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's mess.

The Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains, this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. ( As per Senator Bob Brown's recomendations)The lash will still be available but only by request.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor"(also recommended by Senator Bob Brown). All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women.

The Navy is working on a new "Non specific" flag based, as the current Australian White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Abdulla Said from the Lakemby Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People, played by the Navy band.

Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMAS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants to ports around Australia as requested by the Prime minister! Stand by your bunks!

Regards,

RLI
:rock:
 
Details have been released regarding the RAN'S next generation of fighting ships, including new destroyers. The Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the new destroyer type. They have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt, and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial realations tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Government directives on race, gender, sexuality, religion and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 25hrs per week in line with MUA's (Maritime Union of Australia's Health& Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay & Lesbian Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's mess.

The Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains, this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. ( As per Senator Bob Brown's recomendations)The lash will still be available but only by request.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor"(also recommended by Senator Bob Brown). All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women.

The Navy is working on a new "Non specific" flag based, as the current Australian White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Abdulla Said from the Lakemby Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People, played by the Navy band.

Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMAS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants to ports around Australia as requested by the Prime minister! Stand by your bunks!

Regards,

RLI
:rock:

RLI you are a welcome addition to this forum. Keep those jokes coming please. This one is particularly funny as my partner is employed by ASC, the company who is building these poltically correct AWDs (air warfare destroyers).

BH
 
RLI you are a welcome addition to this forum. Keep those jokes coming please. This one is particularly funny as my partner is employed by ASC, the company who is building these poltically correct AWDs (air warfare destroyers).

BH

Just for you Boss!

Regards,

RLI
:cheers!:

" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

(gutsy guy!)

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "
 
Bosshog said:
RLI you are a welcome addition to this forum. Keep those jokes coming please. This one is particularly funny as my partner is employed by ASC, the company who is building these poltically correct AWDs (air warfare destroyers).

BH

Hmmmm it seems we have a common connection then. I work for Raytheon on the AWD program.
 
A young couple go to the movies, the young lady purchases a large cup of pop corn.

An aboriginal lad and his mate also decide to go to the movies, but young Wally has a 2 foot goanna with him. His mate Dave says', Hey wally we wont' get in with the goanna mate! Wally says' don't worry, ill' shove it down my pants.

Half way through the movie, Wally undoes his jeans to let the goanna poke its head out.

The young lady says to her boy-friend, the young aboriginal lad has pulled his dick-out! The boy-friend says' don't worry darling, you see one, you've seen em all! The girl-friend replies, yea, but this ones eating my pop-corn!

Regards,

RLI
:rock:
 
RLI's pet dog!

General Public Notice:

Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving messages about my dog Brutus, after he bit and savaged the following;

12 Muslim extremists,

7 Pay TV sales persons,

4 Jehovah witnesses and a

Afghan pizza delivery driver.

For the last time,



He is NOT for sale!!


PS, Get your own dog!

Regards,

RLI

:rock:
 
Little Johnny

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Gillard fans?

Not really knowing what a Gillard fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny in the back row.

The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Gillard fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Gillard fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Little Johnny proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, little Johnny replied, 'That would make me a Gillard fan.'

Regards,

RLI
:rock:
 
I'm not going to look through all of these jokes to see if this has been posted . So here it is

I was going to the bank the other day
And there was a one legged blind man standing in front of the ATM
As I walked past he asked me if I could help him out by checking his ballance

So I pushed him over !:sarcastic: Sorry!
 
Hi Fella's

Enjoy

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked
him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that
it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.







His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a root though .
 
Forget all that crap about men are from venus and women are from mars. That joke explains it all - women overthink everything and bloke's couldn't give a rat's arse.
 
I thought I'd be a gentleman at the pub the other night & hold the door open for this nice young lady,she said "can you f@ck off I'm trying to take a sh!t"!
 
Something to brighten your day

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any
time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 pall bearers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot !

I was at a cash point/ATM machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Televisionwas refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A
spokesman for the channel said, "A claim was made that people inDubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 ! Sod this, I
thought, I can get one much cheaper off the web.

6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

My son started a new job in Seoul last week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
 
SEX STARVED

A new Army Lieutenant was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghan Desert ..

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess
tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous Sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on
the post
and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The
Camel.

The Lieutenant said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can
understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Lieutenant starts having his own 'urges'..

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Lieutenant stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the
girls are."
 

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