Joke of the day.

[FatBoy89]

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

 

[KraftyPg]

And if she can still mow mine.

 

[Dave]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Lol. Love em.

 

[KraftyPg]

Yeah but you are having women trouble so that's understandable. Wait till she offers up a "hug" again and you'll be putty in her hands

 

[KraftyPg]

Well since this is a joke thread instead of us being the joke I'll throw some oldies up to get us back on topic.

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Why does the Army have mules and the Navy have Marines?

The Army got first choice.

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You know what they say about being in the Navy...if you don't sleep on your back.... someone will.

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Any branch of service that has a Rear Admiral in charge of a bunch of Seamen, just isn't right.

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How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy?

with a crowbar!

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[Krankin]

Village People had a song about the navy didnt they...

"In the navy, you can take it up the rear
in the navy, you can get some gonorrhea,
in the navy.....................................................

 

[KraftyPg]

In the Navy you can get down you your knees
In the Navy you can get a bad disease.

 

[FatBoy89]

I think Daves love woes would be all fixed with a hug

 

[FatBoy89]

wo guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you F%#^*g BITCH'

 

[shaggy]

That coulda' been me

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business,
Waiting for it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti English slogans
Stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the
accelerator and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through and ran directly over
their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car
Thinking to myself, " that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got myself a job as a truck
Driver.

 

[shaggy]

Little Johnny Tragedy

Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a
great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched
the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and
said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident
either!'

 

[shaggy]

Traffic Accident Statistics

Please, take care of yourself.

A recent joint study conducted by the Vic. Dept. of Health and the RTA indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by arseholes who just drink tea, coffee, lattes, carbonated drinks, juices, milkshakes and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
(This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.)

 

[shaggy]

Gay man in a bar

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was a Local
He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Local and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

The Local leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the Local and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Local replied.. "Something about a job."

 

[KraftyPg]

Oh the Little Johnnie joke reminds me, who's seen the movie?

 

[d22dave]

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business,
Waiting for it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti English slogans
Stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the
accelerator and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through and ran directly over
their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car
Thinking to myself, " that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got myself a job as a truck
Driver.

lmaopissa

 

[shaggy]

Oh the Little Johnnie joke reminds me, who's seen the movie?

Hi Krafty

I just brought it at JB HiFi for $20.I haven't watched it yet.

Shane

 

[shaggy]

Celtic Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in parts of New Zealand and Tasmania

 

[KraftyPg]

Make sure you are in a political incorrect frame of mind when you watch it. Woosers and whingers will only get offended by it.

 

[Krankin]

"If every dealer went by the book I'd consider Nissan for servicing but saying that all dealers do things by the book is like saying all builders build houses properly or that all truck drivers are model citizens".


now there's the jokes of the day.

 

[Old.Tony]

The agony of dyslexia ... sometimes it's quite painful.

As Daylight Savings Time ended I went to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his old fella with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!