scottybobcat
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Ha ha ha ha ha I'm pissing myself.ha ha ha ha
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RLI
Member
God visited a man and told him that he must give up smoking, drinking and
sex if he wants to get into heaven.....
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when
the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long
slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side
and gave her one right there ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!
Regards,
RLI
sex if he wants to get into heaven.....
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when
the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long
slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side
and gave her one right there ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!
Regards,
RLI
scottybobcat
2014 muster sponsor
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .What a pisser
superiorcruiser
Member
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- Apr 30, 2010
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good one RLI..
hjmcmanus
Member
Recently saw an ad for very cheep Japanese cars.... they've only done 4 nautical miles!
Joshp82
Member
I was in the post office today and the postmaster told me they were recalling stamps that they had
printed with the NSW origin team on them. Apparantly the public were confused which side they had
to spit on.
printed with the NSW origin team on them. Apparantly the public were confused which side they had
to spit on.
RLI
Member
Ok lads,
This is a joke to tie you for the weekend. Enjoy!
Regards,
RLI
A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
The barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
The bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."
The barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same mate."
The bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
This is a joke to tie you for the weekend. Enjoy!
Regards,
RLI
A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
The barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
The bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."
The barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same mate."
The bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
How To Get Out Of Shopping With The Wife
Mr. Dillon hates to go shopping with his wife, but Mrs. Dillon insists he accompany her regularly to her favorite department store where, without fail, he gets very bored because he prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Dillon loves to browse.
One day, Mrs. Dillon received the following letter from the department store's management:
Dear Mrs. Dillon,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from all of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Dillon are listed below.
Things Mr. Dillon has done while his spouse was shopping at our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the House Wares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in house wares ... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Thank you
Mr. Dillon hates to go shopping with his wife, but Mrs. Dillon insists he accompany her regularly to her favorite department store where, without fail, he gets very bored because he prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Dillon loves to browse.
One day, Mrs. Dillon received the following letter from the department store's management:
Dear Mrs. Dillon,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from all of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Dillon are listed below.
Things Mr. Dillon has done while his spouse was shopping at our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the House Wares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in house wares ... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Thank you
RLI
Member
The Hitman
*
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't turn up. Sure,' they said, 'You're
welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a Smit & bender large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with
her........He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthing off, so shoot her in the
mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to
teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand
here.....'*
*
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't turn up. Sure,' they said, 'You're
welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a Smit & bender large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with
her........He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthing off, so shoot her in the
mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to
teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand
here.....'*
scottybobcat
2014 muster sponsor
LOL thats a pisser RLI
RLI
Member
True story from the states
A good mate of mine from the US Marines sent me this, enjoy!
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....
Lawyer: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
Officer: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Lawyer: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
Officer : 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Lawyer: ' A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
Officer: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Lawyer: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your
daily duties?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Lawyer: ' And do you have a locker in the room?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Lawyer: ' And do you have a lock on your locker?'
Officer: 'Yes sir.'
Lawyer: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with these same officers?'
Officer : 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line
Regards,
RLI
A good mate of mine from the US Marines sent me this, enjoy!
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....
Lawyer: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
Officer: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Lawyer: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
Officer : 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Lawyer: ' A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
Officer: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Lawyer: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your
daily duties?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Lawyer: ' And do you have a locker in the room?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Lawyer: ' And do you have a lock on your locker?'
Officer: 'Yes sir.'
Lawyer: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with these same officers?'
Officer : 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line
Regards,
RLI
terryc
Member
That's a goodun
RLI
Member
Missing kid!
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket.
The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'
The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'
Regards,
RLI
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket.
The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'
The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'
Regards,
RLI
Blu Roo
Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 62
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Teacher asks the class what they had for breakfast and then spell it.
Mary puts her hand up and says toast. T. O. A. S. T. Miss.
Wendy replies Cereal Miss, C.E.R.E.A.L.
Very good girls, anyone else?
Little Johnny puts his hand up and says; F--k All Miss! F.-.-.K A.L.L.
Johnny! Thats it! you know the drill, stand up at the back of the class you disgusting boy!
With that the teacher changes the topic to Geography asking the class, Where is The Victorian Border? The class went quiet, not seeming to know the answer.
Anyone know the answer?
Little Johnny waives his hand in the air saying I know Miss!
Reluctantly the teacher acknowledges him and says OK Johnny Where is The Victorian Border?
He's at home in bed with my mum.Thats why I had f--k All for breakfast!
Mary puts her hand up and says toast. T. O. A. S. T. Miss.
Wendy replies Cereal Miss, C.E.R.E.A.L.
Very good girls, anyone else?
Little Johnny puts his hand up and says; F--k All Miss! F.-.-.K A.L.L.
Johnny! Thats it! you know the drill, stand up at the back of the class you disgusting boy!
With that the teacher changes the topic to Geography asking the class, Where is The Victorian Border? The class went quiet, not seeming to know the answer.
Anyone know the answer?
Little Johnny waives his hand in the air saying I know Miss!
Reluctantly the teacher acknowledges him and says OK Johnny Where is The Victorian Border?
He's at home in bed with my mum.Thats why I had f--k All for breakfast!
RLI
Member
Marriage
Joke for the weekend.
Marriage is like a deck of cards..
In the begining, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a f--king big club and a spade!
PS, Old Tony told me say that!
Regards,
RLI
Joke for the weekend.
Marriage is like a deck of cards..
In the begining, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a f--king big club and a spade!
PS, Old Tony told me say that!
Regards,
RLI
maddogrc
Member
joke of the day...
so i decided to put 42x14 on 17x8 wheels on my landcruiser ute that has only a 2" suspension lift and the diff moved forward an inch (flip the leaf springs back to front)
HEHEHEHHEHE
so i decided to put 42x14 on 17x8 wheels on my landcruiser ute that has only a 2" suspension lift and the diff moved forward an inch (flip the leaf springs back to front)
HEHEHEHHEHE
superiorcruiser
Member
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2010
- Messages
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and ????????
what r u getn at
what r u getn at
