RLI
Member
G'day Trendsetters,
My darling soul mate/wife Allison gave birth to a beautiful little baby boy at 11.52am today! We have called him Ryan Patrick. He weighed in at 3.29kg or 7.14 pound on the old scale.
However, what a drama packed day lounge lizards! Smoke pouring from the sand-shoes whilst i was attempting a 1950's style Le-Mans 24 hour start. (Sprinting to the car, jump in start the beastie then fark-off) After shoe horning everyone into the wife's car in less than 15 seconds and taking off like the proverbial space-shuttle, (boosters on full thrust), we were mobile. Not even 30 seconds into the mission, then the wife starts, "slow down we are not in a hurry", yes dear i replied, then fark me swinging 3 minutes later "Hurry i think the baby is coming" back to 100ks per hour again. 5 minutes later "Slow down i think i am OK she replies" By now I am starting to think to myself that i am like a pair of strippers knickers up-down, up -down.
Finally we arrive at the hospital safe and sound and sane! I Stop the car, fly round to passengers side to gently assist the wife, then the farking kids decide to start arguing fighting with one another at 4.00am in the morning. I leave mother in-law to kick the kids arse while I assist wife to reception area. What a basterd, the reception door are locked! I managed to get the security guards attention, personal escort to the Midwifery unit.
Tag team tactics, I stay with wife for the first hour then swap with mother in-law who looking after our two girls in the waiting room. My daughters Madeleine 12 and Emma 10 wanted to witness the birth of their baby brother, which was fine with my wife and I. However, I did not want them exposed to all of my wife’s screams (and boy did the bitch scream, my farking ears are still ringing!) So the plan was to let the girls be present when the baby started to come out.
First three hours go by and at 7.30am, I swap with my mother in-law to look after the girls in the reception area, (thank fark for this change over, I felt every one of her labor pains, my wrists and fingers were in agony.)
This went fine until a distressed bloke comes running in asking me to help him with his wife, he then tell me she is having the baby in the hospital corridor, I yell out to the midwifes at reception, next minute 2 midwifes and two other nursing staff starting running out in the corridor to help the poor woman. All I can here is this poor woman screaming with her husband siting by her side, then suddenly she stops and then I hear a baby starting cry. By the time the hospital staff and I had got to her, the woman had already had given birth to her baby inside of her track-suit pants.
At 9.05 am, a young bloke about 5ft 8 weighing about 55kgs comes in with a woman about 6ft 3 weighing about 150kgs, this woman was huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Picture the scene trendsetters, a small Chiwawa dog trying have sex with large Rottweiler dog, see where I am coming from! All of sudden trendsetters, we hear yelling and screaming from a young woman arguing with nurses, next minute she starts running down the corridor farken swearing and screaming demanding to see her baby, she then bolts towards the special care nursery banging and screaming trying to get inside, four nursing staff suddenly appear to try and calm the distressed woman down.
Next minute the skinny bloke next to me (5ft 8 weighing about 55kgs) turns around and say’s “gees mate, they get some farken feral’s in here” I look at this guy, he is wearing a singlet, board-shorts, throngs, studs and ear-rings and a chain coming from his left earing to his nose! I replied yea mate they do! We found out later in the day that she distressed lady was a drug addict and had already had three of her children taken from her and put into care.
One hour later, Tag team change over, mother-in-law (Lesley) looks after the children while I head back into the lions den! The usual screams and groans followed by all the praises of positive wisdom you give to your darling wife. I find it quite funny trendsetters listening to your wife’s comments during those terrible pain sessions, “I want this baby out now” “I am over all this” I gently stroke my wife’s head praising how proud I am of her when she suddenly replies’’ “You did this to me and stop patting me like a cat!” All of a sudden the two Midwifes give you one of those evil female glares (how dare you do this to your wife looks!) Typical husband, I just bit my farking lip and reply “yes dear”!
The time comes to transfer my wife to the spa bath for the water-birth and the doctor de-brief my two daughters what is about to happen. Finally at 11.52 am Wednesday 5th March 2013 Ryan Patrick is born into the world.
PS, Fark me trendsetters, this was better than watching TV.
Regards,
Paul (RLI)
My darling soul mate/wife Allison gave birth to a beautiful little baby boy at 11.52am today! We have called him Ryan Patrick. He weighed in at 3.29kg or 7.14 pound on the old scale.
However, what a drama packed day lounge lizards! Smoke pouring from the sand-shoes whilst i was attempting a 1950's style Le-Mans 24 hour start. (Sprinting to the car, jump in start the beastie then fark-off) After shoe horning everyone into the wife's car in less than 15 seconds and taking off like the proverbial space-shuttle, (boosters on full thrust), we were mobile. Not even 30 seconds into the mission, then the wife starts, "slow down we are not in a hurry", yes dear i replied, then fark me swinging 3 minutes later "Hurry i think the baby is coming" back to 100ks per hour again. 5 minutes later "Slow down i think i am OK she replies" By now I am starting to think to myself that i am like a pair of strippers knickers up-down, up -down.
Finally we arrive at the hospital safe and sound and sane! I Stop the car, fly round to passengers side to gently assist the wife, then the farking kids decide to start arguing fighting with one another at 4.00am in the morning. I leave mother in-law to kick the kids arse while I assist wife to reception area. What a basterd, the reception door are locked! I managed to get the security guards attention, personal escort to the Midwifery unit.
Tag team tactics, I stay with wife for the first hour then swap with mother in-law who looking after our two girls in the waiting room. My daughters Madeleine 12 and Emma 10 wanted to witness the birth of their baby brother, which was fine with my wife and I. However, I did not want them exposed to all of my wife’s screams (and boy did the bitch scream, my farking ears are still ringing!) So the plan was to let the girls be present when the baby started to come out.
First three hours go by and at 7.30am, I swap with my mother in-law to look after the girls in the reception area, (thank fark for this change over, I felt every one of her labor pains, my wrists and fingers were in agony.)
This went fine until a distressed bloke comes running in asking me to help him with his wife, he then tell me she is having the baby in the hospital corridor, I yell out to the midwifes at reception, next minute 2 midwifes and two other nursing staff starting running out in the corridor to help the poor woman. All I can here is this poor woman screaming with her husband siting by her side, then suddenly she stops and then I hear a baby starting cry. By the time the hospital staff and I had got to her, the woman had already had given birth to her baby inside of her track-suit pants.
At 9.05 am, a young bloke about 5ft 8 weighing about 55kgs comes in with a woman about 6ft 3 weighing about 150kgs, this woman was huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Picture the scene trendsetters, a small Chiwawa dog trying have sex with large Rottweiler dog, see where I am coming from! All of sudden trendsetters, we hear yelling and screaming from a young woman arguing with nurses, next minute she starts running down the corridor farken swearing and screaming demanding to see her baby, she then bolts towards the special care nursery banging and screaming trying to get inside, four nursing staff suddenly appear to try and calm the distressed woman down.
Next minute the skinny bloke next to me (5ft 8 weighing about 55kgs) turns around and say’s “gees mate, they get some farken feral’s in here” I look at this guy, he is wearing a singlet, board-shorts, throngs, studs and ear-rings and a chain coming from his left earing to his nose! I replied yea mate they do! We found out later in the day that she distressed lady was a drug addict and had already had three of her children taken from her and put into care.
One hour later, Tag team change over, mother-in-law (Lesley) looks after the children while I head back into the lions den! The usual screams and groans followed by all the praises of positive wisdom you give to your darling wife. I find it quite funny trendsetters listening to your wife’s comments during those terrible pain sessions, “I want this baby out now” “I am over all this” I gently stroke my wife’s head praising how proud I am of her when she suddenly replies’’ “You did this to me and stop patting me like a cat!” All of a sudden the two Midwifes give you one of those evil female glares (how dare you do this to your wife looks!) Typical husband, I just bit my farking lip and reply “yes dear”!
The time comes to transfer my wife to the spa bath for the water-birth and the doctor de-brief my two daughters what is about to happen. Finally at 11.52 am Wednesday 5th March 2013 Ryan Patrick is born into the world.
PS, Fark me trendsetters, this was better than watching TV.
Regards,
Paul (RLI)
