RLI
Member
The day before the forum craped itself, my brother in-law Ben (outlaw-city slicker with attitude) had come up to visit us. On the day they were departing the prick cons me into taking him and his step son Liam (a nice lad) for a little spin up the hills at the back of home. (Woolgoolga NSW)
9.30am, the first signs of a shitty day begins to take shape, firstly, we refit the ARB roof rack back onto the Patrol; the father in-law slips and nearly breaks his farking neck whilst lifting the heavy farker onto the roof, I split the crutch in my farking jeans, my brother in-law drops his corner of the roof rack which scapes its way along the farking roof, farkkkk meeee I said kindly!
10.00am the second indicator of a shitty day occurring is when my computer playing lounge lizard brother in-law is giving me the hurry up to bolt the roof rack up. His missus Lisa (god love her) has decided that we have only one and a half hours of play time, before they have to get ready to head out to Coffs Harbour airport for their return trip back to Melbourne (scroteville.) This rushing around was to have a major impact on our day! (Remember the saying “proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance”) well lounge lizards, this will soon become my Achilles heel!
10.30 am my plan of attack was to depart for the Wedding Bells State Forest in the Sherwood Nature Reserve a bout 5ks from home and then travel on the Woolgoolga Creek Road track doing a 20k loop back to home via Sherwood Creek Road (this is one of the stages used for the World Rally Championship’s in Coffs Harbour) I thought this should only take us about an hour tops! (Well fark-me swinging that never occurred!)
15 minutes’ into the trip, my city slicker brother-in-law starts whinging that he thought four wheel driving was a lot tougher! (Well my fussy-arse friends, that was like showing a red-rag to a bull) 2ks a long was the infamous Widowmaker track (lounge lizards, you have farking extreme difficulty even trying to walk up this farking near impossible shit slide) Arriving at Widowmaker, my gob on a stick brother in-law suddenly looks up at the rutted, rock stepped, shit slide of a track, gulps and then nervously states; “your farking kidding me aren’t you, were not farking going up there are we?”
Diff locks engaged, tyre pressures lowered to 25psi, low range 1st gear selected, a short dough-nut, I looked at the poor pricks and said “tighten your trouser belts, seat belts and farking hang on to your dicks boys! I drove like the farking clappers and up we went, dodging, weaving, wheel spinning, I casually looked across at my brother in-law who appeared to be farking praying! (I am thinking to myself that’s strange he is not a religious person.) Suddenly I heard two voices in the Patrol saying “farkkkkk meeeee, shit, shit oh my god, oh my god, were not goinggggg to make it Paulll, farkkkk. We did it; I can’t believe it, we did it” I am saying to myself, (farking city-slickers!!!!!!!!!)
After making it up, Ben decided we should take some photos, so we dropped Liam off, so he could take farking photos. What was to happen was, I would go back down, chuck a U-turn and then head back up again, simple!!!!! (Well not exactly lounge lizards.)
On the second run it turned to farking shit, up we farking went, when suddenly the rear locker played-up ( the air-line got dislodged by a farken tree branch) Now I had trouble with the rear wheels gaining traction, my shit-sack of a brother-in-law suddenly did not want to play four wheel driving anymore and started to farken panic!!!!!!!! By saying; “Ohhh farkkkkkk were going to roll, farkkkkk Paul were going to die mate, oh shit what have we done!!!!!!!” I just suddenly snapped and said; “shut the farkkkkk up you farking numb-nut!!!! I am trying to concentrate here, for fark-sake!!!!!
All hell breaks loose when the Patrol suddenly starts sliding side-wards and farking backwards all at the same farken time!!!!!!! Bang!!! Crunch!!!!!! The look on my brother-in-laws face was priceless, his eyes were nearly telescoping from his scull while his tongue was flapping one foot in front of his face (like Homer Simpson). By now Ben is pleading to the higher heavens for forgiveness and owning up to past indiscretions and unsolved crimes that he has committed in his life!!!!) The aroma of shit is now slowly filling the air. “Jesus Ben I yelled out, you haven’t shit yourself have you mate !!!!!!!” No reply! Suddenly the patrol stalls and lurches one final time to the driver’s side and stops.
It is amazing when your survival instincts kick-in. I jumped out of the Patrol and left my brother in-law still strapped in his seat with the Patrol about to roll down the hill; it would have been certain death if the farker had rolled. Fark-him, I never liked the prick anyway! (Just joking lounge lizards) I ran around to the passenger side of the patrol and help drag the farker though the passenger side window. As soon as I got him out the farking prick farked off and left me balancing on the passenger side of the Patrol. (The scrunt!) See photos attached
PS, Part two coming soon!
Regards,
RLI
9.30am, the first signs of a shitty day begins to take shape, firstly, we refit the ARB roof rack back onto the Patrol; the father in-law slips and nearly breaks his farking neck whilst lifting the heavy farker onto the roof, I split the crutch in my farking jeans, my brother in-law drops his corner of the roof rack which scapes its way along the farking roof, farkkkk meeee I said kindly!
10.00am the second indicator of a shitty day occurring is when my computer playing lounge lizard brother in-law is giving me the hurry up to bolt the roof rack up. His missus Lisa (god love her) has decided that we have only one and a half hours of play time, before they have to get ready to head out to Coffs Harbour airport for their return trip back to Melbourne (scroteville.) This rushing around was to have a major impact on our day! (Remember the saying “proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance”) well lounge lizards, this will soon become my Achilles heel!
10.30 am my plan of attack was to depart for the Wedding Bells State Forest in the Sherwood Nature Reserve a bout 5ks from home and then travel on the Woolgoolga Creek Road track doing a 20k loop back to home via Sherwood Creek Road (this is one of the stages used for the World Rally Championship’s in Coffs Harbour) I thought this should only take us about an hour tops! (Well fark-me swinging that never occurred!)
15 minutes’ into the trip, my city slicker brother-in-law starts whinging that he thought four wheel driving was a lot tougher! (Well my fussy-arse friends, that was like showing a red-rag to a bull) 2ks a long was the infamous Widowmaker track (lounge lizards, you have farking extreme difficulty even trying to walk up this farking near impossible shit slide) Arriving at Widowmaker, my gob on a stick brother in-law suddenly looks up at the rutted, rock stepped, shit slide of a track, gulps and then nervously states; “your farking kidding me aren’t you, were not farking going up there are we?”
Diff locks engaged, tyre pressures lowered to 25psi, low range 1st gear selected, a short dough-nut, I looked at the poor pricks and said “tighten your trouser belts, seat belts and farking hang on to your dicks boys! I drove like the farking clappers and up we went, dodging, weaving, wheel spinning, I casually looked across at my brother in-law who appeared to be farking praying! (I am thinking to myself that’s strange he is not a religious person.) Suddenly I heard two voices in the Patrol saying “farkkkkk meeeee, shit, shit oh my god, oh my god, were not goinggggg to make it Paulll, farkkkk. We did it; I can’t believe it, we did it” I am saying to myself, (farking city-slickers!!!!!!!!!)
After making it up, Ben decided we should take some photos, so we dropped Liam off, so he could take farking photos. What was to happen was, I would go back down, chuck a U-turn and then head back up again, simple!!!!! (Well not exactly lounge lizards.)
On the second run it turned to farking shit, up we farking went, when suddenly the rear locker played-up ( the air-line got dislodged by a farken tree branch) Now I had trouble with the rear wheels gaining traction, my shit-sack of a brother-in-law suddenly did not want to play four wheel driving anymore and started to farken panic!!!!!!!! By saying; “Ohhh farkkkkkk were going to roll, farkkkkk Paul were going to die mate, oh shit what have we done!!!!!!!” I just suddenly snapped and said; “shut the farkkkkk up you farking numb-nut!!!! I am trying to concentrate here, for fark-sake!!!!!
All hell breaks loose when the Patrol suddenly starts sliding side-wards and farking backwards all at the same farken time!!!!!!! Bang!!! Crunch!!!!!! The look on my brother-in-laws face was priceless, his eyes were nearly telescoping from his scull while his tongue was flapping one foot in front of his face (like Homer Simpson). By now Ben is pleading to the higher heavens for forgiveness and owning up to past indiscretions and unsolved crimes that he has committed in his life!!!!) The aroma of shit is now slowly filling the air. “Jesus Ben I yelled out, you haven’t shit yourself have you mate !!!!!!!” No reply! Suddenly the patrol stalls and lurches one final time to the driver’s side and stops.
It is amazing when your survival instincts kick-in. I jumped out of the Patrol and left my brother in-law still strapped in his seat with the Patrol about to roll down the hill; it would have been certain death if the farker had rolled. Fark-him, I never liked the prick anyway! (Just joking lounge lizards) I ran around to the passenger side of the patrol and help drag the farker though the passenger side window. As soon as I got him out the farking prick farked off and left me balancing on the passenger side of the Patrol. (The scrunt!) See photos attached
PS, Part two coming soon!
Regards,
RLI
